Q.How many Michael Jacksons does it take to screw in a light bulb? A.None, he only screws little boys..
|Juicy Squirt |
The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk,
"What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his
cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." The owner says, "You idiot! You can't
treat a cough with laxatives!" The clerk says, "Oh yeah? Look at him, he's afraid to cough!"
A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some
M & Ms. When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away. "What
did you do that for?" he asked her. "I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.
A smart blonde, a stupid blonde and Santa Claus play poker, who wins?
The stupid blonde because the other two don't exist.
|Two Blondes were in a car and came to a fork in a road and the sign said
Disneyland left... |
So they turned around and went home.
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving
really badly, so she got pulled over by a cop. The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Lady, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from
it!" The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, it's your air freshener!"
A blond gets a new cell phone from her husband. The next day she goes to Wal-mart and her phone rings, so
she answers it. It was her husband. He says, "How's the new cell phone?" She replied, "Great...but how did you know I was
|A blonde was cooking dinner in her kitchen and her kitchen caught on fire.
So she called 911 and said: "My kitchen is on fire!" They asked, "How do we get there?" The blonde said, "Well, DUH, the big
red truck!!!" |
| || |
How To Get Out Of A Traffic Ticket!
A police officer
pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer: May I see your driver's license?
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver: It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That's right. But come to think of
it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer: There's a gun in
the glove box?
Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed
her in the trunk.
Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver: Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer
immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle
the tense situation:
Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
Driver: Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Who's car is this?
Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card.
The driver owned the car.
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you
said there's a body in it.
Driver: No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain: I don't understand it.
The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that
there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too!